Me: "So, what's the latest age I could have kids?"
Gyno: "Well, 35 to 40 is trendy now!"
Me: "Oh, thank God. I always try to be trendy concerning childbirth."

Malia Gets Danced On By A 22-Year-Old Urban Outfitters Intern

Intern: "You live in Brooklyn? Can you show me around?"
Me: "Sure, I know a great Chuck E. Cheese."

Photographic proof that I was jaded about men from an early age. 

Early Bird Does Not Get the Worm

On my first day of preschool, my mom walked me up to the playground, and I pointed at a boy on the jungle gym and said, “Mommy, that’s my boyfriend.”

That’s the last time she heard me say that in her presence.